The Web of Cyberbullying

Dear Olivia,

     As a psychologist who has been in practice for over fifteen years. I have been privileged to be invited into the private emotional lives of many wonderful patients. These patients include children, adolescents, and adults who have come in search of some relief from the emotional pain and intrusive symptoms that may be impeding their lives. While some problems can be dealt with in the here and now, others involve traumatic experiences from the past. All too often adults in my practice, both men and women, have revealed that chronic bullying by peers constituted a major emotional trauma in their childhood. In fact, my practice is composed of many people who, as children, were relentlessly bullied and they are still talking about it!

     My patients share stories of being bullied on the playground, on the school bus, on the walk home from school, and at summer camp. They describe experiences of being physically and/or emotionally bullied, both leaving them feeling frightened, helpless, and alone. Descriptions of being verbally tortured on a daily basis, of peers constantly peeking over the bathroom stall, and of threats of bodily harm are what I have heard. Though these experiences took place sometimes twenty, thirty, and in some cases, forty years ago, the emotional pain continues to resonate in their current lives. It is important to note that the effects of chronic bullying can be profound and long-lasting.

     I have observed a variety of different ways in which people are impacted by their chronic bullying experiences. There are those who seem to have dealt with the bullying by becoming vigilant and are on alert much of the time. These people are reactive and perceive minor slights as major injuries. They may spend a good deal of their energies fighting the metaphorical bullies they see everywhere. There are others who seem more overtly insecure. Their self-confidence is compromised and their sense of trust in others is shaken. There is a perceived sense of doom and danger and this bleeds much of the joy our of engaging with the world at large. While the presentations may vary, the underlying issues tend to be similar. Most express a sense of self as damaged and a sense of the environment as unsafe.

     Many of my patients seem to have internalized the negative messages perpetuated by the chronic bullies. They think that there is something innately wrong with them and that is why they have been singled out. They feel unattractive, unworthy, and cowardly. Even when the reality contradicts their negative internalized messages, they hold on to them. Even though the actual bully is out of the picture, the bully is now inside of them. Much of the work tends to center around ridding oneself of this internal bully, a bully who one now has more control over.

     While there are many factors that bring one to therapy, the impact of stressors during one’s youth cannot be underestimated. Many assume that being bullied is simply a normative childhood rite of passage. They may think that it is something that makes the child stronger. While it is appropriate to teach children good coping skills and to help them learn to use their voice, situations involving chronic bullying require adult intervention. It is apparent to me that the lack of effective adult intervention in these chronic bullying situations is what ultimately exacerbates the experience and thus leaves the door wide open for trauma.

     Chronic bullying needs to be taken seriously. Teaching children to know what constitutes bullying and to be proactive when they see it occurring can be helpful steps. Encouraging children to speak up whether they are the target or a witness to the bullying can create an environment of support and decrease the likelihood of apathy. Parents and relevant adults must be involved in the process of responding to a chronic bullying situation. In my patients’ thoughts I can hear their concerns as to why no one stepped in to protect them. Did they not care? Was I not good enough? Is there no power strong enough to defeat this bully?

Kelly